im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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