i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
