She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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