i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
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craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.