He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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