When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.