he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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