My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
