is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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