And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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