"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.