WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
