Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
