You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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