We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
