and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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