I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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