She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you win again, gameday.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
