I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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