Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
