why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
