how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
