The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
