I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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