Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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