i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
