He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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