Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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