i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
