if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
