just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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