I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
