What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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