OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
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So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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