Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
