i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
