Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
