The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
