You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
