He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
