I wish I could punch you in the face.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
