Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
