I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
