nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
