she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
