your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
