If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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