You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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