dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
