That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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