She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
