i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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