she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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