we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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