Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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