my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
