If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize