It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
